tv The Daily Show Comedy Central January 4, 2017 11:00pm-11:31pm PST
- now you get it, stan. yea - yeah, i totally don't get it! ♪ get up, come on get down with the sickness ♪ ♪ come over me captioning sponsored by comedy central >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. thank you so much, everybody. you guys are amazing. thank you for tuning in. my guest tonight, united arab emirates ambassador and author of a new book, "letters to a young muslim," omar safe ghobash is joining us, everybody. he's joining us in the studio to talk about his book. ( cheers and applause ) now, look, the year's just started and i don't know about you guys, but i spent all of today laughing about what happened to house republicans yesterday. i've just been walking around
the office giggling. no, because, you have to humor me. not only did the public come after them for trying to gut the house ethics office, but even the party's leader threw them under the bus on twitter. and something i was thinking about last night is that what's crazy about this is republicans found out about donald trump's reply the same way we did, at the same time we did. like, you realize, we are all in this (bleep) together. they found out from donald trump's twitter. can you imagine now, old-ass congressmen who don't care about technology or what everyone else is thinking now they have to open a twitter account just to stay in the loop. these guys, "how does this work? what is this? who is r.t.? what is going on here? why is my face an egg? i don't want to be an egg. i don't want to be an egg. what's going on?" i really think it's fun. here's the mistake republicans made in congress. we talked about this yesterday.
but trump said, "i'm going to drain the swamp, drain the swamp, drain swamp, get rid of old politicians, get rid of old lobbyists." and then he comes in and everyone sees him bringing in his friends and family and goldman sacks and rex tillerson, and they were like, the swamp is open for business. and the republicans were like, "no more ethics! swamp time." and trump was like, "hey, what are you doing?" and they were like, "oh, i thought you were... i thought you were..." no, but it's not the republicans' fault. you see, trump is the person who is at fault here. he said, "trai, "drain the swamt i think what he meant was he wants to privatize the swamp and make it members only. that's what he's to go. only members and friends are allowed in the swamp. old-school, get out. get the (bleep) out of here. and by the way, these republicans who tried to spite the ethics office they're acting
like everything is cool. this is probably my favorite thing about politicians in america. it's not what they did. it's how they act like it didn't happen afterwards. it's like they went on a honeymoon and on the first night they told their wife they want to have sex with her best friend and the next day is walking around, "how did you sleep? how did you sleep?" here is one of my favorite moments, iowa representative steve king who somehow makes it sound like the american public did something unethical to him. >> republicans say they still intend to reform the office which currently has the power to investigate anonymous complaints that can turn out to be baseless. iowa's steve king. >> jesus had the right to face his accusers. he asserted that before the high priests. and we're saying memberes of congress shouldn't be? >> trevor: amen, brother, amen! why shouldn't congress get the same treatment as jesus! if jesus can turn water into wine, then why can't congress turn a lobbyist's cash into a
swiss bank account. can i get an amen?" what is this guy saying? "it's good for jesus. why can't it happen to us?" he's jesus, that's why. one of my favorite moments of someone dodging responsibility came from paul ryan who literally dodged responsibility. >> and the speaker, we tried to ask, but he wouldn't bite. >> mr. speaker, what do you make of the delay of the ethics. >> you know me, i don't walk and talk. >> trevor: i'm sorry, what? you don't walk and talk? then what are you doing there? what are you doing? what are you doing? what is this a riddle? what is that a riddle, i don't wawng-- that's what you're doing. you know what would have so funny is after that clip paul ryan slammed into a column face first. "this is why i don't walk and talk. it's dangerous! this is why i tonight walk and talk." ( laughter ) the backlash that came from this ethics dilemma wasn't just from the democrat oltz hill. >> the move sparked outrage from the public. >> spark a national backlash yesterday. >> the chorus of criticism.
>> coming under fire. >> tons of phone calls from angry constituents. >> the blowback from the public led to a quick and total reversal. >> trevor: yeah, americans are pissed, and rightfully so. the question is why are americans sopissed? let's see if republicans can figure it out in our brand new hit nbc game show "why are americans mad?" ( cheers and applause ) the game, the game where we find out if politicians know why americans hate them. our first contestant is two-term virginia congressman david bratt. congressman, you tried repealing the ethics rules. the question is why? are americans mad? >> part of it is the headline where's we were backing off on ethics. so that's not a good headline when it comes to messaging. ( laughter ) >> trevor: so you think the problem with this whole debacle is the way the headlines were phrased? that's an interesting way to process the information. "it wasn't the comet that hit
the earth. it was the sensational headlines that did the real damage. that's what it was." so, why are americans mad? is it because of how headlines are written? ( buzzer ) oh! sorry, congressman. you've been eliminated from everything. ( laughter ) except power. so let's move on now to our next cob testant, mike coffman, from colorado and tom cole from oklahoma. gentlemen, they say two heads are better than one so maybe you can answer the question, "why are americans mad?" >> this is the wrong message to send at the start of the session. >> i think it's absolutely right thing to do, but it probably wasn't the right time to do it. >> trevor: so you think americans are mad because you're slimy but slimy too soon. that's a strange thing to say. like, people were sitting at home saying, "i can't believe these conclude men acted so shamefully... in january. everyone knows you save your shame for june!
the son is out. ass out, bad moves, come on! yes so why are americans mad? is it because they want aid bit for morplay before they got screwed? ( buzzer ) oh, computer says no. i could have sworn that was the right answer. let's move on to our final contestant, mark sanford, from south carolina. surely you have-- and by the way you know he's going to get it wrong now, guys, right. this is basically a pattern. they're all going to get it wrong. i want you to still show the full support to this person because you never know. so, mark sanford, why are americans mad? ( laughter ). >> well i think, you know, a good message is being sent here which is, you know, republican leadership and membership alike said this is a problem. we need to change it, and we just did. >> trevor: get the (bleep) out of here, man! this guy is trying to take credit for fixing the mistake they made. you can't (bleep) on the floor and brag about how you cleaned it up. you can't do that! you can't do that! "look how shiny it is.
look how shiny it is. i (bleep) and now look how shiny it is!" no! is that why americans are mad? ( buzzer ) i thought so! and so, unfortunately, once again, no one in congress wins our grand prize. which in case you were wondering, is an ounce of decency. yeah. there you go. that's what it is. yeah. i know-- it's really, really powerful stuff. you get high off had (bleep). and it's a righteous high. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ (catchy up♪eat music)
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oh, it's actually... sfx: (short balloon squeal) it's ver... sfx: (balloon squeals) ok can we... sfx: (balloon squeals) goodbye! oof, that milk in your coffee was messing with you, wasn't it? try lactaid, it's real milk, without that annoying lactose. good right? yeah. lactaid. the milk that doesn't mess with you. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." i want to share with you something i really enjoyed watching yesterday it's swearing in of america's 115th can congress. now, i was excited because this was my first new congress. you know, usually i buy them used. much better deal. and i had no idea what the ceremony would look. like, i didn't know if it would be an american thing that is different everywhere in the world or something similar to how we open our government back in south africa. and i know some of you are thinking, "trevor, i bet you guys have some crazy african ceremony where your leaders are introduced by a dude wearing leopard skin and holding a
spear." guess what, asshole, you're right. you know-- ( applause ) you know what-- can i tell you what is not cool. what is not cool is early one of my writers, dan mccoy, he wrote a joke like that. he was like, "oh, yeah" he was like, "oh, yeah, south africa's swearing in probably looks like it was from 'coming to america'." and he thought that was a joke. and then i read it and i was like, "this is real." ( laughter ) but the other stuff is not real. so as it is, congress' swearing in ceremony, it isn't very exciting. it's basically just speaker ryan and outgoing vice president joe biden taking pictures with the incoming class of 2017. and, honestly, you know what gets me is that there's so much fan fair around representatives
being sworn in, but when they leave office they just get to slink out the backdoor which i don't think is fair, especially because how (bleep) congress has been recently. there should be a swearing-out ceremony. ( applause ) that's what there should be. there shaib cussing out ceremony. that's what it should be. it should be like, "you filibustered on military spending? get your ass out of here! dragging jur heels on zika funding, drag your punk ass to the curb. block a supreme court norm me, time to get your no-good bill-stopping double-dealing ass out of here! get out of here! in the (bleep)! yeah, get out of here and get into that cushy lobbying job that you're probably going to get after this! man, it's not as effective when they get a better job afterwards. ah! but i get why conclude people are excited, you know, because
being elected is still a huge achievement. in some case it's the fulfillment of a lifelong dream, and that's why i'm sure roger marshall of kansas, he couldn't have been prouder when his son decided to honor his father's tremendous achievements with a background dab. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> trevor: oh! i just love that picture. and paul ryan is like, "hey, hey." i gotta say kudos to paul ryan finally showing some backbone. shut down that 17-year-old kid. people said he couldn't stand up to trump and he can't but this is a good start, a good start.
if you're like me one of the highlights of every swearing in ceremony is when vice president joe biden gets handsy with family members, here it comes. look at this. here comes the groab train. oh! look at that woman's face. look at her face! ( laughter ) now you tell me what's weirder-- that or leopard-skin guy. yeah, yeah, because you can judge me all you want, but we don't have none of that. for more groping analysis let's turn to our senior incroapt correspondent michelle wolf, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) michelle, i'm sorry, at some point, you have to admit that this is creepy behavior. >> oh, come on, trevor! joe biden isn't creepy. he's like that aunt that open-mouth cizs you on the holidays. do you like it? no! but it's just not christmas without the taste of cigarettes and ham. ( laughter )
and, you know, what, maybe i'm a little desensitized because i ride the subway in new york, but as long as i haven't seen or heard his penis, to me, he's being a gentleman. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> trevor: i'm-- i'm sorry, did you say "heard his penis? some. >> yeah. there's a sound. anyway, joe biden isn't a creep. just look at the way he caresses this woman's face. there are only two reasons someone would caress your face this way. they either love you a lot or they want to wear your skin. and i really don't think joe biden wants to wear your skin. >> trevor: michelle, are are you being serious right now? this doesn't bother you at all? >> no, what bothers me is he needs to come up with new material. >> my dad used to say i have one job. i had a beautiful sister like you, he said you have one job, keep the guys away why your sister. my dad used to say one job.
my dad used to say one job. keep the guys away from your sisters. keep the guys away from your sisters. keep the boys away from your sisters. ( laughter ) >> yeah. and based on how much joe was touching them, they weren't doing the job. ( laughter ) by the way, boys wouldn't have to protect their sisters if they stopped being so (bleep) to every woman that isn't their sister. ( cheers and applause ) how about instead of teaching boys to protect women, we just teach boys to be better boys? ( cheers and applause ) and that's all men clapping. i mean, that's like saying we're never going to stop spilling oil, so let's just put reign coats on all our seals. okay, fine. that looks really cute. we should do that. >> trevor: okay, i feel like-- i feel like we're getting off topic. joe biden, like, why is what joe biden's doing okay?
>> okay, it's is not okay. it is a little bit inappropriate. it's like he was playing a game of twister and kept landing on, "right hand, lady's hip." but here's the thing, he passed the violence against women's act, which is a landmark anti-domestic violence bill. it establish aid national domestic violence hot line and funded police units focused on sex crimes. the man basically founded "law&order: s.v.u.." that's knot to be worth at least a boob grab. it's tit for tat. in this case, tat for tit. joe biden, i don't care, you can even grab one of mine, if you can find them. >> trevor: what is it that even mean? michelle wolf, everybody. we'll be right back. ♪ ♪ get, get, shooo! ♪
"letters to a young muslim." please welcome omar safe ghobash. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to the show. >> thank you very much. >> trevor: this is great for me. i don't often get to chat to ambassadors and diplomats, especially someone who is an ambassador to russia. >> an interesting place. >> trevor: i'm sure it is. i'm really sure it is. let's talk a little bit about that. you are the ambassador of the u.a.e. to russia at a time when russia seems to be, you know-- what's the way i can phrase it-- the (bleep) in the world is the best way i can put it. how do you liase between them and your country? >> causing a (bleep) in the world is one way of looking at it. i would say they're exerting influence in the region and it's
extremely important for us to be able to speak to them to understand exactly what they're trying to do. and there are a couple of different versions of what they're trying to do. one of the versions is they're trying to impose their own imperial might through a great russian empire. the other one, which i'm more inclined to believe because-- because, you know, come coming from the region, is that they are trying to contain the problem of radical islam. and i think you should know that a lot of people who are-- from russia, in the southern part of russia, are muslim, and many of them actually are radicals who are fighting in syria and iraq and even places like libya. so they do have a serious issue with radical islam which we have in common with them. >> trevor: the question i think a lot of people would like ton is do your russian counter-parts think that the russians are responsible for, you know, hacking into the d.n.c.'s servers?
>> yeah, interesting question. i-- they don't-- even if they had done it, they wouldn't tell me. ( laughter ) i mean, they're all great guys. ( laughter ) there is no doubt that russia has a very good computer science education and there are a whole bunch of young hackers who do a really fantastic job. >> trevor: a fantastic job? ( laughter ) really fantastic job. >> now, i don't know that they're doing it on behalf of the russian government and that they're actually doing it in the u.s. this is an area where we're never really going to get down to the reality, what's really going on. >> trevor: then what is the opinion of russians? i mean you stay in the region. you know a lot of people there. what is their opinion on even donald trump and his ascent to power? from the u.s. side a lot of people go, "the russians must be really happy about donald trump because of how he feels about, you know, the kremlin." >> yeah, there is this whole idea out here that he's some kind of manchurian candidate working for the russian
authorities. ening you guys have to have a little more pride in your system. it's highly unlikely that is the case. i think donald trump is very likely to become a great president. and, you know, he's done it on u.s. terms, on american terms. he's damage d.n.a. it from within the system. we need to put things into perspective. there is a pre-election kind of generation of ideas and some of them may have been not particularly attractive ideas but it appealed to something within the american people. from my perspective, it's less what trump said in the past and what people want to hear in the american population. so that's what i think is one thing. >> trevor: i'm going to interrupt you there. i watched a town hall-- and i know it's anecdotal and it's not representative of all trump voters-- but there was a trump voter who said, "i heard him say these things, and i just liked that he was saying it, but i don't actually expect him to do it, and i don't think he's going to do it."
so you're saying that's something you almost agree with in that way by saying that? >> well, i think that there are many more constraints on the power of the president once he's in office as compared to when he's campaigning. when you're campaigning, presumably, you can say pretty much whatever you want. >> trevor: yes. >> but once you come into power, then you have the laws of the land. you have the constitution. you have all these different kinds of constraints. and, you know, what we in the outside world, outside of the u.s., have been taught, we have been taught that the founding fathers had a certain kind of genius, that they had built a system that would-- would make sure that no populist or demagogue would actually come to power and if somebody did come to power there would be constraints in place. maybe i have more confidence in american democracy but i really have hope. >> trevor: maybe you're just a
really good diplomat. let's talk a little bit about the book then because it really is an optimistic book. this is a book that you've written, and it's "letters to a young muslim." but more specifically, it is letters from a father who is muslim and talking to a child that is growing up in a world where you are worried about the role that they may be influenced into playing in the world. >> yup. >> trevor: you know, i mean, i don't want to give a lot of it away, but one of the most interesting pieces i read in the book is where you talked about how your son, you realized, in the u.a.e., was being radicalized by his teacher at school. >> yes, absolutely. and i think this is one of our key problems is that it's not necessarily part of the curriculum. it's not necessarily a part of government policy. but, you know, there is a readiness or an ease with which certain people talk about fairly radical ideas. and i think there's always been a disconnect between having the radical ideas and then implementing and carrying them out. and i think, unfortunately,
september 11 was, for me, a turning point where i saw radical ideas actually taking expression physically, which is a great tragedy. >> trevor: in writing this book what is the one thing you want young people to take away from it. because it is "letters to a young muslim." what specifically do you want muslim people to take away from this book and maybe even non-muslim people. >> well, i would say go with your questions. don't be afraid of having doubt at any one particular point in time. certainty in matters of religion and matters of life is a privilege. and so you need to believe that you can be constructively critical. these are the key things that i'd like to say to young people. and that they should continually accept questions. i also think that it's very important that we don't perpetuate this myth that islam is incompatible with modernity or is incompatible with western
values. in fact, there are many, many values that we share in common, and these are basic human values. i mean, the value of freedom speaks to young muslims. they feel the same urge for freedom, and they have-- but the problem is that there is a theological kind of fear of freedom that we really need to work out. so what i'm asking for here is not reform of islam but clarifying islam for the 21st century. what does it mean in today's world to be a muslim? and how do we just get on with life? >> trevor: it's a powerful book, and i hope to have you back again. >> thank you very much. >> trevor: good luck in russia, my friend. >> thank you. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: "letters to a young muslim" is available now. omar safe ghobash, everybody. we'll be right back. hi, i'm paul and i used to ask if you could hear me now with verizon. not anymore. i switched to sprint because their network reliability is now